Last night I was working on my father's laptop(we're borrowing it right now) and started thumbing through his pictures. I came across the last belly picture before I had Judah and so I opened that folder.
In it were pictures from June and July 2007.
Beautiful pictures of Judah's first days and Addison enjoying the summer. She was 2. Comparing her to what she looks like now I gasped. She had this round face, before the baby fat fell off permanently. She had the diaper peeking out of her pants and her feet were tiny.
And those eyes! Those big round eyes that could bore through any soul.
She sure looked like a lot of fun. I of course wouldn't know whether or not she was a lot of fun because I was still in a bad place with her. Now I look at her and see her running around and being silly and being a kid and I laugh and love and enjoy it.
Back then she did those things and I felt nothing. I barely even remember her from that summer. Now true enough, I had a brand new infant and was recovering from a near death experience but I literally remember nothing about her from that time. How sad is that?
Those first 2-3 years are and will always remain my biggest regret in life.
BUT, as I sat there gazing through the pictures of my sweet and vibrant two year old, tears brimming in my eyes, I realized that I had to go through that in order to get to where I am today.
This weekend the kids were playing outside and they carried some dirt onto the patio and were playing in it. I loved it. I laughed, I took pictures. I enjoyed them being kids. Had Addison done that when she was two, I'd not have enjoyed it at all.
I've read before that through hard work and hardship comes joy. I realize that in order to be in the joyful place I'm in now, I had to suffer through the hardship and work REALLY hard to come out of it. It was a labor of love, much more difficult than the phsycical labors I experienced to bring them into the world. Learning to love and enjoy Addison was an excrutiating labor but worth every tear, feeling of heartache and lesson learned.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
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1 comments:
You've learned a lot and are stronger for it...I wish I could say that my experience was that way, but I'm in an opposite place...it was better then when I was on "auto-pilot" and surviving and smiling b/c I had to...my patience these days is thin and my child is exponentially more difficult than he was, surprisingly, struggling for his life. "This too shall pass" is my mantra and I look forward to the days to come...for now, I'm surviving and trying very hard. Thank you for your words of wisdom!
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